Bank Lawyer's Blog

Conflating A Little With A Lot

A friend of mine, a business consultant and "recovering lawyer," once told me that there wasn't a damned thing you could tell lawyers, because they thought they knew it all. This helps explain why his sojourn into the world of business consulting for law firms was so short. Another reason might have been what a boss of his once told him: "You not only don't suffer fools gladly, you don't suffer them AT ALL."

Being of the same temperament, I "feel his pain."

In an article in the March-April 1996 issue of the Harvard Business Review, entitled "Making the Most of the Best," Dartmouth's Tuck School of Business professors James Brian Quinn, Philip Anderson and Sidney Finklestein, expressed similar views, albeit with less exasperation. Of course, they didn't have to live with lawyers 24/7/365, either.

Because professionals have specialized knowledge and have been trained as an elite, they often tend to regard their judgment in other realms as sacrosanct as well. Professionals generally hesitate to subordinate themselves to others or to support organizational goals not completely congruous with their special viewpoint. That is why most professional firms operate as partnerships and not as hierarchies, and why it is difficult for them to adopt a uniform strategy.

The good professors were talking about doctors, accountants, investment bankers, management consultants and similar professionals, not merely lawyers. They all risk suffering from the twin dysfunctional traits of arrogance and hubris, the deadly combination embodied in its Platonic ideal form by THE GREATEST PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE EVER (aka "The Orange Man").

"I know a lot about a little, therefore, I know a lot about everything."

Or, as my friend less generously puts it: "Mix equal parts of arrogance and ignorance and you've got yourself a law firm."

Of course, you could have said the same for an accounting firm, a medical practice, or a business consulting firm. Nevertheless, singling out and picking on lawyers is simply more fun, isn't it?

Yeah, I thought you'd say that.

And while we're on the topic of a human being that wears a live animal for a hairpiece, let's not forget that if He-Who-Knows-More-Than-His-Generals is elevated to Bloviator-in-Chief in a few months, a side benefit for bankers might be that one of the biggest "Native American" burrs under the saddle of the banking biz might finally be forced out of public life and back on to the reservation. At least, that's the hope of Homer Simpson.

Everybody Gets A Trophy

A few years ago, I featured the face-palming antics of Gen Y job candidates, including those interviewing for jobs with commercial banks. At the time, I asked "How much worse could Gen Y be?" Apparently, much worse. In fact, when it comes to generational cluelessness, Gen Y's joystick is frozen in the forward position and the plane is augering into the frozen tundra at 32 feet-per-second squared.

Just before turning out the office lights and grabbing a (first) Shiner Bock this past Friday evening, I received an email from a client who's a senior level bank executive for a large bank in Texas. Attached to her email was a link to what is obviously intended to be a comedy "training video" that ostensibly seeks to educate Boomer and Gen X employers on the right ways and wrong ways of dealing with the future of the American workforce. My correspondent assured me that, while the laughs are real, she has personally experienced two interactions with a member of The Not-So-Greatest Generation that were almost identical to scenes enacted in the video.

I share it with other bankers (and credit union officers) who might find it both humorous and sadly realistic.

Here's hoping we can stave off crippling the economy and allowing China to take over. At least, until I pop the final aneurysm and finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Après moi le déluge.

Fourth Corner: Staying Power or Sampling The Product?

When last we checked in January on the trials and tribulations of Fourth Corner Credit Union, a state-chartered Colorado credit union formed to provide financial services to the marijuana industry, the credit union had been denied an injunction by a federal district court in Colorado to force the Federal Reserve Bank of Kansas City to grant the credit union a "master account." It needs that master account to gain access to the banking system. The district court judge ruled that the court was not going to compel the Fed to grant access to a credit union that would facilitate illegal money laundering under federal criminal laws (albeit an activity that is fine and dandy under Colorado law). The court also "hinted" that if it ever got to the merits of the issue of whether Colorado marijuana laws trumped federal marijuana laws, the Supremacy Clause of the US Constitution would lead the court to favor federal law.

On April 29th, the credit union appealed the district court's decision to the 10th US Circuit Court of Appeals in Denver. I have not reviewed the appellant's brief, so all I have to go on regarding the arguments to support the appeal thus far are the public statements of the credit union's spokesperson as reported in The Denver Post. Those statements don't fill me with an excess of hope that the credit union's appeal will be successful. The arguments seem to be:

• The Justice Department and FinCEN are "hypocritical" for issuing guidance that would lead banks to believe that they can successfully avoid prosecution under federal law if they follow the guidance without actually allowing them to do so.
• The government bureaucracy moves slowly, so drug money can't be laundered through the banking system and is, thus, "unsecured," and that "scares" the spokesperson.
• A decision was rendered by a Colorado district court judge that marijuana buds were covered under a general liability insurance policy, a decision that the court made clear involved solely state, not federal, law.
• The US Supreme Court declined to hear a lawsuit filed by the states of Nebraska and Oklahoma against the state of Colorado, a decision that was based solely on jurisdictional grounds, in that the alleged harm is being caused by individuals, not by a state, and, therefore, the SCOTUS does not have jurisdiction to hear the case. The attorneys general of Nebraska and Oklahoma can refile the case in federal district court.

There may be fine legal arguments made by the credit union that support its contention that the Fed must issue it a master account. If so, they are not making it into the main stream media. If all it's got is what I read in the newspaper, I'd recommend that the CU roll 'em if its got 'em, don't Bogart the joints, slap a few Cheech & Chong cd's in the boom box, and "get mellow," because the future is looking somewhat gloomy in the real world.

Then again, come November, we have absolutely no idea what kind of wild card the electorate might draw for the Oval Office. We might actually get a president and Congress that will take the Thai Stick by the lit end and burn down the barriers to a full monty of a Mary Jane-friendly society. Or, those of us who haven't rolled a joint in nearly a half century might be compelled to nestle down in the high country with a M249 SAW, a bale of concertina wire, a half-dozen claymores, plenty of bottled water and Tostitos, and several pounds of Ghost Train Haze and Blue Dream. And yes, unlike our former president and future first man, in such circumstances, we would plan to inhale.

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

This post has absolutely nothing to do with banks or banking law. On the other hand, it involves a dark fantasy that many of us harbor, but few of us live out: killing your computer.

When ctrl + alt + delete doesn't work, just shoot the darn thing.

That's what one man did on Monday night, according to Colorado Springs police. Lucas Hinch, 37, was cited for discharging a weapon within city limits after he took the fight with his computer outside and got the revenge most of us only dream about.

"He got tired of fighting with his computer for the last several months," Lt. Jeff Strossner said. "He was having technology problems, so he took it out in the back alley and shot it."

[...]

Hinch shot it eight times, Strossner said, "effectively disabling it."

The computer is not expected to recover.

That last line makes reporter Cassandra Kloos my new unrequited love interest.

Hinch was even more revealing to the Los Angeles Times.

Hinch told the Los Angeles Times he has no regrets.

"It was glorious," he said. "Angels sung on high." 

The Dell kept giving Hinch the "blue screen of death," he said of the machine's final moments. 

"It was extremely frustrating," he said. "I reached critical mass."

As was the case with most people who reach "critical mass," a meltdown quickly followed.

"It was premeditated, oh, definitely," he said. "I made sure there wasn't anything behind it and nothing to ricochet."

Hinch was issued a summons for discharging a firearm within city limits, which Hinch called a small price to pay for justice.

“That computer had a bad day," he said.

You learned that machine, boy! You learned it real good!

A couple of years ago, I had an HP laptop that kept giving me the blue screen of death. Instead of shooting it, I engaged in a series of epithet-laden soliloquies via telephone with a customer support person who insisted on calling  himself "Dave" but who I insisted on calling "Mujibar," since I understood only 15% to 20% of his sort-of-recognizable-as-English-but-not-quite responses. HP took back the infernal machine and performed some kind of Santeria rituals on it. It came back devoid of blue screens, but I never got back that lovin' feeling for it and within a year retired it and replaced it with, ironically, a Dell desktop, the same brand that Hinch assassinated.

I should have performed a one-and-a-half Hinch on it, from the high board, instead.

The cops confiscated Hinch's 9 mm automatic pistol. If he ever gets its back, I'll invite him down to the Lone Star State and we can set the HP up at a local gun range, give it a last cigarette and a blindfold, and shoot the living sugar out of it. Come to think of it, he doesn't need to bring his nine. I've got plenty of long-and-short barreled options in my own private arsenal to blow it to hell. Most of them are even legal.

Pat's Prognastications

Former community banker and occasional contributor to this blog, Pat Dalrymple, has a column in a local Colorado newspaper that contains his banking business predictions for 2015. Pat invites readers to call him out at year end if any of his prognostications fail to pan out.

While you need to read them all in monthly order to get their full flavor, here's just a taste:

In April maverick Sen. Elizabeth Warren will introduce a bill to squeeze bankers out of banking, commenting that “War is too important to entrust to generals, and banking is much to vital to leave to bankers.”

Then, in May, in accordance with Ms. Warren’s legislation, Paris Hilton will be nominated to be Chairperson of the Federal Reserve. In reply to a reporter’s question, Ms. Hilton will say, “Hey, Alan Greenspan said he didn’t see the Financial Crisis coming. Neither did I, so I guess I’m as qualified as he was.”

Yeah, baby! Working Liz Warren and Paris Hilton into successive paragraphs. That's my kind of snark forecasting!

Enjoy.

That Leopard Print Dress Will Look Great Over An Orange Jumpsuit

Our never-ending quest to bring bankers the most current bank-related news often goes under-appreciated by many in the intended audience. Disgruntled compliance drones who desire this blog's author to throw them a bone they can gnaw on until they crack it and suck down the sweet marrow; white-belted, white-shoed retail banking salesmen who desire that I open the door on the path to riches beyond all dreams of Croesus; a Gen Y young dope on punk (or was that a young punk on dope?) whose daddy made him CEO of his very own (actually, Dad's very own) home building company who wants me to serve him a free lunch and give him money for nothing and his chicks for free: all these, and many, many more current, former, and soon-to-be-former readers daily flip me the bird in their rear-view mirror as they "unsubscribe" with extreme prejudice because I either offend their refined sensibilities or--much, much worse--my content "is no longer relevant."

Inasmuch as I spend, literally, several nanoseconds each evening blowing blog posts out of my nether regions carefully crafting each and ever syllable you read on these pristine pages, these criticisms hit home in a way that, for example, a client refusing to pay a monthly invoice would never do. Therefor, in an attempt to reach even my most demanding readers, I offer this evening a story that will resonate with each and every human being, whether bound tightly or only loosely tethered to the world of commercial banking. This is a story as old as the internet and as timeless as Instacam. This is the story of the egg-sucking selfie.

A woman from West Frankfort, Ill. made police work easy when she allegedly stole a colorful, leopard-pattern dress from a small boutique, then posted a picture of herself wearing it on Facebook, police said on Monday.

Danielle Saxton, 27, allegedly took a dress and other items from Morties Boutique on July 11, and was spotted walking away from the store by the owner's son, said owner Gay Williams Morton and police.

The store described the stolen items on Facebook. News travels fast in the small southern Illinois town, and within about two hours, someone sent a link to Saxton's Facebook post, where she'd posted a "selfie" with the message "Love my dress," Morton said.

[...]

Saxton was charged with theft and with failure to appear in court on a warrant in another case, according to West Frankfort Police Dispatch Supervisor John Hampton. He did not know the charge in the earlier case.

The article also reports that Saxton has an unlisted phone number. I guess she was trying to lay low and fly under the radar screen.

There's a valuable lesson for every banker and those who covet their goods and wives: "Stupid is as stupid does" and no matter how dumb you think bank robbers are, they are apparently comparative Einstein's in comparison to dress shop thieves.

Don't ever tell me again that the content of this blog is no longer relevant. Hear me now and believe me later: it has NEVER been relevant.

With luck, it never will be.

 

From now on, the only leopard-pattern dress we want to see on these pages is one that encases Sofia Vegara.

In Search of Foreign "Precedent"

Last week, while researching another topic altogether, I was linked through the magic of Google's algorithms to an old Volokh Conspiracy post that discusses U.S. Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer's remarks of eight years ago to the American Bar Association, in which he defended his previous citations to the courts of foreign countries to back up his opinions. Justices Scalia and Thomas have been particularly snarky over the years in their criticisms of Breyer's use of foreign decisions, so, apparently, Breyer felt the need to justify his consulting the decisions of the highest courts of Botswana, Nepal, and the Planet Zardoz in his search for useful precedent.

Breyer thinks that his references to foreign courts aid the spread of the rule of law.

"To tell you the truth, in some of these countries, they're just trying to create these independent judicial systems to protect human rights, contracts. If we cite them sometimes -- not as binding, I promise, not as binding --well, that gives them a little boost sometimes . . . It sort of gives them a leg up for the rule of law."

As I thumb through my copy of the U.S. Constitution, looking for "giving a shout out to foreign courts" as an enumerated function of the judicial branch, and absorbing the overwhelming ego implicit in Breyer's observation, it dawns on me that this is a good notion, because there is one court that needs Breyer's help. A good court. A court on which I, personally, would be humbled and honored to serve.

The Jedi Council

That little green guy in the center? Brilliant, I tell ya', brilliant. But, as you can see, he needs a "boost" that only either the yellow pages for greater Los Angeles or a citation by the U.S. Supremes could give him. Sure, he's a little dude (2.2 feet, according to his official biography), but he's DEEP, man! Know what I mean?

"Powerful enough to defeat Sidious, you are not... Twisted by the Dark Side, young Skywalker has become. The boy you trained, gone he is... Consumed by Darth Vader."

Bottle THAT and sell it, Justice Breyer! You Supremes could make a frickin' fortune.

"Stare decisis, I do not employ. As I go along, up it I make."

You Have Nothing To Lose But Your Chains

The latest edition of Ballard Spahr's "CFPB Monitor" starts off with an article by Barbara Mishkin about how CFPB employees have voted to unionize. Apparently, getting starting salaries of $173,000, plus tuition for courses in basic banking law, are not enough for the employees of the most powerful, poorly regulated federal government agency created since Joe Stalin went to (not) meet his (nonexistent) maker. No, their backsides are severely chapped over heinous office accommodations. It seems that the CFPB is in the process of renovating its Intergalactic Headquarters, aka, "The Death Star," and while that renovation is taking place, the "proles" are being asked to place their posteriors in...<gasp>...Dilbert-like "open space." Their current office space is sufficiently annoying, since more than one person has to share a private office, but cubicles???? Them's fightin' words, Pilgrims!

One "source" claimed that CFPB employees are worried about noise levels. Heck, they carry a pretty big stick, so why don't they learn to talk (and walk) softly?

Look, I understand that when you're threatening to lock and load on some beat-down community bank that issued a disclosure statement that said "may" instead of "will," and, therefore, was massively "deceptive," or you're telling an auto loan lender that if a dealer from which it buys paper ever causes emotional pain to a buyer's pet parakeet, the lender is on the hook for the vet's bill, you would be sensitive about cross-talk. Obviously, you need to keep the brow beating appropriately segmented. I mean, look what happened when Bugs Moran encroached on Al Capione's space. It wasn't pretty, and those guys were mere amateurs when it comes to wielding a Tommy Gun.

Now that the CFPB employees are represented by a union, though, I'm certain that office space is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to workers' demands.

The union’s president is reported as having said that, in addition to workspace concerns, CFPB employees are concerned about travel policies and benefits, work schedules, reviews, promotions and alternative work schedules.  The report describes CFPB staffers as having “grown frustrated in recent months after putting in grueling hours as they raced to meet statutory deadlines” under Dodd-Frank.

I can imagine that working until 5:30 and even 6:00 pm can be wearisome if you have to do it day-after-day-after-day-my-god-will-this-never-freakin'-end!It wwould be suicide-induing if you had to grind it out in open space.

In the words of the last person to make the absolute best use of every second of every working day (and, especially, of every night) he spent in D.C, once intoned, "I feel your pain."

Interview With The Bank Lawyer

Crystal Gimesh, who, among her other duties, blogs for NContracts, a vendor management and contract management solutions company, asked to interview me for her blog. I assumed that she must be hard up for material, but she seemed like a very nice person, and wasn't threatening me with career-ending sanctions like certain other readers, so I agreed. The interview questions were some of the best I've experienced and I had a blast answering them. The best part? I can merely link to her interview post instead having to actually write my own post tonight.

Crystal: the beer's on me.

Time Out

Thankfully for me (and for the haters of this blog), I'm on vacation this week and intend to devote more attention to Jack Daniels Black, Hennesy XO, and the blackjack tables at The Bellagio, than to anything related to banks or to law. However, to send you off into the hiatus with a bang rather than a whimper, with the side benefit of irritating my progressive friends, I'll leave you with a link to a post from my friend Emily Zanotti Skyles' Naked DC blog about one of our favorite topics. Here's an excerpt:

Elizabeth Warren is for many things. Unrealistic bank prosecutions that the administration has no intention of following up on. State and Federal minimum wages that only large corporations can afford to pay, thus ensuring that Wal-Mart corners the market of unskilled laborers and college drop-outs. Expansion of collegiate affirmative action programs to include white females who claim to be Native American so as to take advantage of the increased hiring rates.

You get the drift.

Enjoy.