Bank Lawyer's Blog

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

2015-04-22T21:36:00-05:00

This post has absolutely nothing to do with banks or banking law. On the other hand, it involves a dark fantasy that many of us harbor, but few of us live out: killing your computer.

When ctrl + alt + delete doesn't work, just shoot the darn thing.

That's what one man did on Monday night, according to Colorado Springs police. Lucas Hinch, 37, was cited for discharging a weapon within city limits after he took the fight with his computer outside and got the revenge most of us only dream about.

"He got tired of fighting with his computer for the last several months," Lt. Jeff Strossner said. "He was having technology problems, so he took it out in the back alley and shot it."

[...]

Hinch shot it eight times, Strossner said, "effectively disabling it."

The computer is not expected to recover.

That last line makes reporter Cassandra Kloos my new unrequited love interest.

Hinch was even more revealing to the Los Angeles Times.

Hinch told the Los Angeles Times he has no regrets.

"It was glorious," he said. "Angels sung on high."

The Dell kept giving Hinch the "blue screen of death," he said of the machine's final moments.

"It was extremely frustrating," he said. "I reached critical mass."

As was the case with most people who reach "critical mass," a meltdown quickly followed.

"It was premeditated, oh, definitely," he said. "I made sure there wasn't anything behind it and nothing to ricochet."

Hinch was issued a summons for discharging a firearm within city limits, which Hinch called a small price to pay for justice.

“That computer had a bad day," he said.

You learned that machine, boy! You learned it real good!

A couple of years ago, I had an HP laptop that kept giving me the blue screen of death. Instead of shooting it, I engaged in a series of epithet-laden soliloquies via telephone with a customer support person who insisted on calling himself "Dave" but who I insisted on calling "Mujibar," since I understood only 15% to 20% of his sort-of-recognizable-as-English-but-not-quite responses. HP took back the infernal machine and performed some kind of Santeria rituals on it. It came back devoid of blue screens, but I never got back that lovin' feeling for it and within a year retired it and replaced it with, ironically, a Dell desktop, the same brand that Hinch assassinated.

I should have performed a one-and-a-half Hinch on it, from the high board, instead.

The cops confiscated Hinch's 9 mm automatic pistol. If he ever gets its back, I'll invite him down to the Lone Star State and we can set the HP up at a local gun range, give it a last cigarette and a blindfold, and shoot the living sugar out of it. Come to think of it, he doesn't need to bring his nine. I've got plenty of long-and-short barreled options in my own private arsenal to blow it to hell. Most of them are even legal.

Pat's Prognastications

2015-01-19T22:00:00-06:00

Former community banker and occasional contributor to this blog, Pat Dalrymple, has a column in a local Colorado newspaper that contains his banking business predictions for 2015. Pat invites readers to call him out at year end if any of his prognostications fail to pan out.

While you need to read them all in monthly order to get their full flavor, here's just a taste:

In April maverick Sen. Elizabeth Warren will introduce a bill to squeeze bankers out of banking, commenting that “War is too important to entrust to generals, and banking is much to vital to leave to bankers.”

Then, in May, in accordance with Ms. Warren’s legislation, Paris Hilton will be nominated to be Chairperson of the Federal Reserve. In reply to a reporter’s question, Ms. Hilton will say, “Hey, Alan Greenspan said he didn’t see the Financial Crisis coming. Neither did I, so I guess I’m as qualified as he was.”

Yeah, baby! Working Liz Warren and Paris Hilton into successive paragraphs. That's my kind of snark forecasting!

Enjoy.

That Leopard Print Dress Will Look Great Over An Orange Jumpsuit

2014-08-06T21:29:00-05:00

Our never-ending quest to bring bankers the most current bank-related news often goes under-appreciated by many in the intended audience. Disgruntled compliance drones who desire this blog's author to throw them a bone they can gnaw on until they crack it and suck down the sweet marrow; white-belted, white-shoed retail banking salesmen who desire that I open the door on the path to riches beyond all dreams of Croesus; a Gen Y young dope on punk (or was that a young punk on dope?) whose daddy made him CEO of his very own (actually, Dad's very own) home building company who wants me to serve him a free lunch and give him money for nothing and his chicks for free: all these, and many, many more current, former, and soon-to-be-former readers daily flip me the bird in their rear-view mirror as they "unsubscribe" with extreme prejudice because I either offend their refined sensibilities or--much, much worse--my content "is no longer relevant."

Inasmuch as I spend, literally, several nanoseconds each evening blowing blog posts out of my nether regions carefully crafting each and ever syllable you read on these pristine pages, these criticisms hit home in a way that, for example, a client refusing to pay a monthly invoice would never do. Therefor, in an attempt to reach even my most demanding readers, I offer this evening a story that will resonate with each and every human being, whether bound tightly or only loosely tethered to the world of commercial banking. This is a story as old as the internet and as timeless as Instacam. This is the story of the egg-sucking selfie.

A woman from West Frankfort, Ill. made police work easy when she allegedly stole a colorful, leopard-pattern dress from a small boutique, then posted a picture of herself wearing it on Facebook, police said on Monday.

Danielle Saxton, 27, allegedly took a dress and other items from Morties Boutique on July 11, and was spotted walking away from the store by the owner's son, said owner Gay Williams Morton and police.

The store described the stolen items on Facebook. News travels fast in the small southern Illinois town, and within about two hours, someone sent a link to Saxton's Facebook post, where she'd posted a "selfie" with the message "Love my dress," Morton said.

[...]

Saxton was charged with theft and with failure to appear in court on a warrant in another case, according to West Frankfort Police Dispatch Supervisor John Hampton. He did not know the charge in the earlier case.

The article also reports that Saxton has an unlisted phone number. I guess she was trying to lay low and fly under the radar screen.

There's a valuable lesson for every banker and those who covet their goods and wives: "Stupid is as stupid does" and no matter how dumb you think bank robbers are, they are apparently comparative Einstein's in comparison to dress shop thieves.

Don't ever tell me again that the content of this blog is no longer relevant. Hear me now and believe me later: it has NEVER been relevant.

With luck, it never will be.

From now on, the only leopard-pattern dress we want to see on these pages is one that encases Sofia Vegara.

In Search of Foreign "Precedent"

2013-12-29T22:02:00-06:00

Last week, while researching another topic altogether, I was linked through the magic of Google's algorithms to an old Volokh Conspiracy post that discusses U.S. Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer's remarks of eight years ago to the American Bar Association, in which he defended his previous citations to the courts of foreign countries to back up his opinions. Justices Scalia and Thomas have been particularly snarky over the years in their criticisms of Breyer's use of foreign decisions, so, apparently, Breyer felt the need to justify his consulting the decisions of the highest courts of Botswana, Nepal, and the Planet Zardoz in his search for useful precedent.

Breyer thinks that his references to foreign courts aid the spread of the rule of law.

"To tell you the truth, in some of these countries, they're just trying to create these independent judicial systems to protect human rights, contracts. If we cite them sometimes -- not as binding, I promise, not as binding --well, that gives them a little boost sometimes . . . It sort of gives them a leg up for the rule of law."

As I thumb through my copy of the U.S. Constitution, looking for "giving a shout out to foreign courts" as an enumerated function of the judicial branch, and absorbing the overwhelming ego implicit in Breyer's observation, it dawns on me that this is a good notion, because there is one court that needs Breyer's help. A good court. A court on which I, personally, would be humbled and honored to serve.

The Jedi Council

That little green guy in the center? Brilliant, I tell ya', brilliant. But, as you can see, he needs a "boost" that only either the yellow pages for greater Los Angeles or a citation by the U.S. Supremes could give him. Sure, he's a little dude (2.2 feet, according to his official biography), but he's DEEP, man! Know what I mean?

"Powerful enough to defeat Sidious, you are not... Twisted by the Dark Side, young Skywalker has become. The boy you trained, gone he is... Consumed by Darth Vader."

Bottle THAT and sell it, Justice Breyer! You Supremes could make a frickin' fortune.

"Stare decisis, I do not employ. As I go along, up it I make."

You Have Nothing To Lose But Your Chains

2013-05-19T21:55:00-05:00

The latest edition of Ballard Spahr's "CFPB Monitor" starts off with an article by Barbara Mishkin about how CFPB employees have voted to unionize. Apparently, getting starting salaries of $173,000, plus tuition for courses in basic banking law, are not enough for the employees of the most powerful, poorly regulated federal government agency created since Joe Stalin went to (not) meet his (nonexistent) maker. No, their backsides are severely chapped over heinous office accommodations. It seems that the CFPB is in the process of renovating its Intergalactic Headquarters, aka, "The Death Star," and while that renovation is taking place, the "proles" are being asked to place their posteriors in......Dilbert-like "open space." Their current office space is sufficiently annoying, since more than one person has to share a private office, but cubicles???? Them's fightin' words, Pilgrims!

One "source" claimed that CFPB employees are worried about noise levels. Heck, they carry a pretty big stick, so why don't they learn to talk (and walk) softly?

Look, I understand that when you're threatening to lock and load on some beat-down community bank that issued a disclosure statement that said "may" instead of "will," and, therefore, was massively "deceptive," or you're telling an auto loan lender that if a dealer from which it buys paper ever causes emotional pain to a buyer's pet parakeet, the lender is on the hook for the vet's bill, you would be sensitive about cross-talk. Obviously, you need to keep the brow beating appropriately segmented. I mean, look what happened when Bugs Moran encroached on Al Capione's space. It wasn't pretty, and those guys were mere amateurs when it comes to wielding a Tommy Gun.

Now that the CFPB employees are represented by a union, though, I'm certain that office space is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to workers' demands.

The union’s president is reported as having said that, in addition to workspace concerns, CFPB employees are concerned about travel policies and benefits, work schedules, reviews, promotions and alternative work schedules. The report describes CFPB staffers as having “grown frustrated in recent months after putting in grueling hours as they raced to meet statutory deadlines” under Dodd-Frank.

I can imagine that working until 5:30 and even 6:00 pm can be wearisome if you have to do it day-after-day-after-day-my-god-will-this-never-freakin'-end!It wwould be suicide-induing if you had to grind it out in open space.

In the words of the last person to make the absolute best use of every second of every working day (and, especially, of every night) he spent in D.C, once intoned, "I feel your pain."

Interview With The Bank Lawyer

2013-04-10T21:40:00-05:00

Crystal Gimesh, who, among her other duties, blogs for NContracts, a vendor management and contract management solutions company, asked to interview me for her blog. I assumed that she must be hard up for material, but she seemed like a very nice person, and wasn't threatening me with career-ending sanctions like certain other readers, so I agreed. The interview questions were some of the best I've experienced and I had a blast answering them. The best part? I can merely link to her interview post instead having to actually write my own post tonight.

Crystal: the beer's on me.

Time Out

2013-03-24T21:59:00-05:00

Thankfully for me (and for the haters of this blog), I'm on vacation this week and intend to devote more attention to Jack Daniels Black, Hennesy XO, and the blackjack tables at The Bellagio, than to anything related to banks or to law. However, to send you off into the hiatus with a bang rather than a whimper, with the side benefit of irritating my progressive friends, I'll leave you with a link to a post from my friend Emily Zanotti Skyles' Naked DC blog about one of our favorite topics. Here's an excerpt:

Elizabeth Warren is for many things. Unrealistic bank prosecutions that the administration has no intention of following up on. State and Federal minimum wages that only large corporations can afford to pay, thus ensuring that Wal-Mart corners the market of unskilled laborers and college drop-outs. Expansion of collegiate affirmative action programs to include white females who claim to be Native American so as to take advantage of the increased hiring rates.
You get the drift.

Enjoy.

The Trendline

2013-01-09T21:41:00-06:00

As community bankers and their running dog lackeys run pell-mell into a new year, dodging bricks thrown by bank bashers from many quarters of the peanut gallery, it's always good for them to keep in mind that they may soon be able to petition the EPA to add them to the endangered species list, right next to the Cloud Forest Rice Rat and the Pygmy Hog Sucking Louse. Why would community bankers merit such favored status? I'm glad you asked.

Since the mid-1980s there has been a tremendous consolidation in the U.S. banking industry.

The number of banks fell from 19,017 in 1984 to 7,357 in 2011, according to the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. And the percentage of assets held by community banks fell from 38 percent to 14 percent.

In other words, the big banks got bigger.

The FDIC pays lip service to apple pie, motherhood, and community banks, by noting that the little guys supply a majority of bank branches in rural counties (20% of all US counties have only community bank offices), and that community banks make 46% of all loans to small businesses and farms. Nevertheless, don't put any serious money down on a bet that the incredibly shrinking small bank base will cause the FDIC to reverse its "unofficial" moratorium on de novo bank charters or to make it any easier for private equity "players" to make a difference by buying and recapitalizing community banks. The likelihood of the FDIC having an epiphany, slapping its forehead, and crying out "We were wrong about there being too many banks in this country; let us now help the banking biz be fruitful and multiply by granting a boatload of new bank charters, easing our foot off the regulatory burden accelerator, and generally worrying less about the tensile strength of the coverings of our own buttocks and more about the survival of little guys," is akin to the likelihood of Charlie Sheen joining The Monastery of Christ in the Desert or of Lindsay Lohan not busting parole.

Look at it this way: if the trend continues, community banks may be able to halt big bank expansion by arguing that any new big bank initiative requires a "community banking environmental impact statement."

Bankers: All Over It As It's All Over

2013-01-03T21:57:00-06:00

We thought those wild and crazy Boomer Sooner Bankers had taken Gangnam Style banking to its outer limits. We were wrong.

It should come as no surprise that a tech-savvy bank from the Left Coast would be all over the latest fad, and would take the production values to Hollywood-style levels.

And yet, wouldn't you know it: just as bankers jump on the Gangnam style bandwagon, its originator decides that it's so, so yesterday, and that yesterday's gone (Gangnam style).

We Wish You A Merry [Fill In Blank]

2012-12-23T21:48:00-06:00

It's Christmas week and many of my regular readers are spending time doing more useful things than reading this blog. Such as sleeping. Therefore, my blogging will be light-to-nonexistent until the new year. Before I slack off, however, I want to wish those of you who celebrate a religious holiday during this period a Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah, and for the nonbelievers, either a Joyous Festivus or the following politically correct, incredibly annoying, salutation, adapted from the Urban Dictionary:

Please accept my non-denominational holiday wishes with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2013, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wish.