Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before

It's not merely the fact that former Wells Fargo CEO Dick Kovacevich complained publicly and loudly in 2008 that Hank Paulsen made him a TARP offer he didn't want but couldn't refuse, it's that, nearly four years later, he..won't...stop...ranting...about...it, that leaves some listeners amazed, others stupified, and still others screaming for someone to stick a knife in their neck in order to end the pain. Moreover, he's gone from "I didn't want it or need it but they threatened me" line to "TARP is likely to cause the end of life on Earth, at least as we know it."

Former Wells Fargo Chairman and CEO Dick Kovacevich says the federal government's bank bailout during the depths of the financial crisis was an "unmitigated disaster" and laid much of the blame for the financial crisis on "ineffective regulators."

"The decision by the U.S. Treasury and the Federal Reserve in October 2008 to make banks take TARP money even if they didn't want it or need it was one of the worst economic decisions in the history of the United States," Kovacevich told about 100 people attending a Stanford Institute for Economic Policy Research event Tuesday evening.

Kovacevich then offered a roster of reasons fueling his criticism of the government's Troubled Asset Relief Program, including "spooking the financial markets," damaging the reputation of financial institutions who did nothing wrong, and institutionalizing the concept that some institutions are too big to fail.

Kovacevich also cites TARP as the genesis of Dodd-Frank, the Ebola and AIDS viruses, as well as the horror now known as "Charlie Sheen."

Dick claims that any pundit who argues that TARP saved the financial system from a China Syndrome-like meltdown is a mere government apologist and spinmeister. In fact, Dick declares that TARP caused the financial meltdown and stock market collapse by stampeding the markets, as if the pre-TARP failure of Lehman Brothers was nothing more than a minor blip on the radar screen. He didn't say this exactly, but I think Dick also suspects that TARP is the reason that supermodel Linda Evangelista has repeatedly spurned his offers of concubinage. As a parting shot, he also blames most of the failed banks on "poor regulation."

This is what we call the "Dick-Cheney-Scattergun-To-The-Face" approach to criticism. If you load up on Double-O buckshot and blast away at close range, you're bound to hit something. If you're really lucky, like the other Dick, you'll bag a lawyer.