I was going to post about something serious this evening and I just don't have the heart. No, that's not right. I just don't have the time. Well, I have neither. So, for something completely off-topic, and off-the-wall, here's an updated list of Deep Thoughts I first posted over four years ago on a now-defunct personal blog. This has absolutely nothing to do with "commentary on banking law." For that brief break in the action, be ever so grateful. I'll be back boring the pants off all of you tomorrow, just as soon as I shake the hangover.
DEEP THOUGHTS
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
--Osama Bin Laden, as told to Jack Handy.
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."
--Arnold Schwarzenegger, as told to Jack Handy.
"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: 'Mankind'. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - 'mank' and 'ind'. What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind."
--Joe Biden, as told to Jack Handy.
"If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward."
--Vin Diesel, as told to Jack Handy.
"It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an Angel gets set on fire."
--Pope Benedict XVI, as told to Jack Handy.
"Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet."
--George W. Bush, as told to Jack Handy.
"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."
--Jessica Simpson, as told to Jack Handy.
"He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, 'Dust to dust,' some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, 'I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun.' "
--Billy Bob Thornton, as told to Jack Handy.
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."
--Angelina Jolie, as told to Jack Handy.
"Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer."
--Martha Stewart, as told to Jack Handy.
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.' "
--Lindsay Lohan, as told to Jack Handy.
"I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death."
--David Hasselhoff, as told to Jack Handy.
"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
--Ralph Nader, as told to Jack Handy
"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now."
--Tim Geithner, as told to Jack Handy
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."
--Rev. Pat Robertson, as told to Jack Handy
"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes."
--Dr. Phil, as told to Jack Handy
"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."
--Dennis Hopper, as told to Jack Handy
"I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet."
--Sean Penn, as told to Jack Handy
"Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy."
--Sheila Bair, as told to Jack Handy
"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."
--John F. Kerry, as told to Jack Handy
"Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you."
--Courtney Love, as told to Jack Handy
"When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy."
--Rev. Franklin Graham, as told to Jack Handy
"We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town."
--Gov. Mark Sanford, as told to Jack Handy
"If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone."
--Henry Kissinger, as told to Jack Handy
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other."
---Mike Tyson, as told to Jack Handy
"If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic."
--Richard Pryor, as told to Jack Handy
"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone."
--Gollum,as told to Jack Handy
"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff."
--Bernie Madoff, as told to Jack Handy
"Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head."Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that."
--Jeff Goldblum, as told to Jack Handy
"If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."
--The Dali Lama, as told to Jack Handy
"As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way."
--Deepak Chopra, as told to Jack Handy
"I think a good product would be 'Baby Duck Hat.' It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties."
--Bill Gates, as told to Jack Handy
"I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend."
--Charles Manson, as told to Jack Handy
"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad."
---Stephen King, as told to Jack Handy
"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people."
--Barack Obama, as told to Jack Handy
"When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way."
--Lou Dobbs, as told to Jack Handy
"If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity 'happen.' "
--Bill Clinton, as told to Jack Handy
"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."
--Kevin Funnell as told to Jack Handy.